


I feel all numb now, is that a feeling?

by URSEN



Series: The things left unsaid, and how to work around the past. [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Xion, BPD Riku, BPD Xion, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, It's a talk some feelings out kinda fic, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, No Spoilers, No Spoilers for Kingdom Hearts III, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Riku's POV, Teen Angst, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Riku, autistic riku, they both need therapists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:07:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22454713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/URSEN/pseuds/URSEN
Summary: Riku and Xion have a bit of a heart - to - heart about things that happened, and how to move on.
Relationships: All relationships are suggested or Minor !, Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Roxas/Xion (Kingdom Hearts)
Series: The things left unsaid, and how to work around the past. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1624384
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	I feel all numb now, is that a feeling?

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to a conversation I had with my friend, Mal! I'm Riku in this, and he's Xion ! 
> 
> I love you, Mal! I hope this brings you as much comfort as it did for me when I was writing this!
> 
> \---
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/GRIZZCHOP  
> Mal's Twitter: https://twitter.com/byakuren  
> Kota's (The Roxas in this) Twitter: https://twitter.com/darkgnaw  
> Toby (The Sora in this) Twitter: https://twitter.com/W0LFB0UND
> 
> Title is from: Wonderful Life - Bring Me The Horizon

People say depression for them feels like the world is upside down and they're always in some intense emotion, but for Riku, he just felt numb.

The world is grey, and the color others see never come.The grey gets even more mundane overtime, but maybe someday it’ll look colorful, maybe one can simply paint over the grey that plagues them .Is that a solution? Would that restore you back to how you were before your soul was crushed and scattered into stardust? But before you can even think of what paint color would remedy the maddening colorlessness,

it gets worse.

It always gets worse though, until it's unbearable.

He’d been thinking for a while about what his future is, and what it means if he ever found an answer. Pondering if he’d be able to survive when his parents eventually died, and if he would be remembered as a son or daughter in their final moments. Thinking about how Most are lucky enough to inherit something besides the bad habits. But Riku unfortunately is not that lucky, and his sister needs a family too. Maybe Riku could step up as the brother she deserved. 

This reminded Riku about how his eldest brother walked out of their lives, and how his baby brothers a stillborn, how he didn't get a chance. Riku didn't know anymore really, and didn’t know what he was striving towards.

He thinks he’s just tired. He could sleep all day, but never felt rested. He could go into every shift his job offered, as if it'll be meaningful to the company, as if they'll care. 

Riku didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life anymore.

Destined to be a side character. Possibly a love interest. Maybe a comic relief. Maybe even the old wizard that knows everything, but doesn’t tell the main character. He felt like anyone that only existed to help another person grow. He felt like he’d already helped and hurt a lot of people, and now he was at an age where he really couldn’t do either anymore. He’d lived his purpose. His story is ove-

“Hey.”

Riku was startled out of his thoughts. He was sitting on the porch, cigarette between two fingers, posed up to his mouth as if he was about to take another drag as he eyed the person who spoke to him. She was Sora’s height and had short, chopped black hair that stopped right above her shoulders.

“Oh, Xion. Hello.” Riku’s mind stuttered for a moment, trying to rearrange his thoughts to not be so negative, and focus on the scripts he made for socializing with people he didn’t regularly speak to.

“Are.. you okay? You looked like you were about to give up on something.” Xion mused, making her way up the steps to stand next to him. Riku let a small huff out, concerned she could actually read his thoughts for a moment.

“I’m… fine. I was just thinking about some things.” 

“Oh.” Xion said, and twiddled with her hands for a moment, before looking back up at him. “Could we talk? I’ve been having a bit of a rough day, and you seem to know how to deal with those sorts of things.”

Riku let a small smile slip onto his face, deciding that maybe he wasn’t done just yet being a supporting character, he gave the ray of sunshine a nod, scooting over so she could sit next to him. Xion moved over to sit down next to the taller man as they sat in silence for a moment. It looked as if she was trying to find the words to say before he heard a small whimper, alarmed, he looked back down to see that her facade was cracking as a tear slipped down her face. 

“Hey, are you okay? Do you need a moment.” 

She shook her head, rubbing the tears from her eyes for a moment before looking up to him. “It’s just… I get how it feels for that one thing to make or break your day, borderline things right?”

Riku paused, his face draining for a split second before regaining his composure. He gave them a nod, “Right, borderline things…” 

“I just think-” Xion paused, looking for the right words. “I just think that maybe, I’m about to break again. But I don’t want to worry Roxas, no one likes a Debbie Downer or whatever, right?”

Riku shook his head, looking down at them “It’s okay to feel bad, or to tell someone you care about that you’re feeling bad.”

She let out an empty laugh, looking down again “I just feel stupid, I don’t want to rely on Roxas too much. I don’t want to annoy him and I get scared. He hasn’t done anything to make me feel like this, I’m just afraid I’ll latch onto him.” 

He mused for a moment, “It’s good that you came to talk to me then, it’s ok sometimes to talk to someone you’re not as familiar with. It’s… supposed to make it easier, or something.” He paused to take a drag of his cigarette, smoke clouds billowing from his lips as he continued, “I don’t think he’d ever be annoyed by you, I don’t… talk to him much, but you two always seem happiest around each other.”

Xion stayed silent for a moment, “I just… have more hope for you than I do for me. I just feel like everyones better at recovery than me, and when it comes to my own thoughts, it’s like a system error on a computer.” She sniffled again before looking dejected, like she was about to curl in on herself. “I’m sorry, I came over because you looked sad, and then I made it about me…” 

He didn’t say anything for a moment, taking another drag from his cigarette before speaking up, “It’s okay, I’m worried now anyway, and it’s helping me not think about my own issues. Recovery… is weird like that. You could relapse but it’s not like you’re losing your place, you’re not back at the beginning and it’s not starting all over.You’ve just ...stopped. And sometimes… sometimes people stop for good, they can’t keep moving anymore. But Most of the time, people keep on moving, it’s our whole thing to decide, y'know? That’s why it’s called Recovery, at least.”

Xion smiled at him, finally looking up. “You’re right… I’m sorry I cried the moment I actually managed to come over to talk to you, I always cry over silly things, instead of what really matters. Sometimes I feel like I can hear your thoughts when you have that distant look on your face, and it just puts some of my feelings into words that I just… can feel how much it hurts you.”

He looked apologetic for a moment, finally putting his cigarette out. “I’m not poetic or anything, I’m just traumatized like the rest of us.”

That got a genuine laugh from her , she covered her mouth with her hands, giggling gently. “Aren’t we all?”

They laughed together for a moment, before Xion looked back down again. “It… It sucks that we can relate like this, huh? I really hate it.”

Riku grimaced, and they fell into a silent agreement. He had realized during this conversation, that hearing her voice made him feel less distorted in his mind. He understood that even though he had forgotten how to cry, he wasn’t alone in his feelings. It made him feel bittersweet, to know that the person next to him could relate to his pain, but also be burdened with it. 

“I think…” He started, unsure, “I think stuff like that is why I don’t believe in anything higher. I think we can decide for ourselves what really matters in life. For me, at least, I just want to be a good person.” He paused, feeling his throat slightly choking up. “I… I was bad to people, when I was younger. I don’t know why, but I was a dick. I was mean, and lied to people, and abused their trust in me. But… but now I have a chance to be better, to be a good person, and I really think that’s all that matters.”

He thought to his mantra for a moment, thinking about what he knew and what he felt. He truly believed that no higher being could ever let a pain like theirs exist. But once he looked back down to the smaller girl, he was surprised at her expression.

She looked surprised to hear something so personal from him, and was giving him a slow nod. 

“We’re just damaged goods, huh?”

“No.” Riku said, “I think we’re more like bent metal. We’ll get straightened out eventually, but we’ll always have a little bit of a bend. That doesn’t mean we’re not still useful though, yeah?”

“Yeah.” she agreed.

The two fell into silence once again, Riku, without a cigarette in his hands to stimulate himself with, pulled out a small clicker and let his hand run across the button. She seemed to perk up for just a moment, looking at him surprised, as if to say you too? He chuckled, pulling the tool out and giving it a few clicks. 

“You’re…. Also?” she didn’t dare say the words, but a mutual understanding was held.

“Well… I guess. I was only officially diagnosed last year, but I would be lying if it didn’t bring me a sense of comfort.”

“Hey! What are you two doin’?” a voice called from around the corner.

Both jumped slightly, forgetting they were still outside for a moment as they spied Roxas and Sora rounding the corner, both with a grin on their faces.

“Xion!” Roxas shouted, “That’s where you were! C’mon, I was looking for you so we could go watch more of that show Axel mentioned.” Sora had stopped behind his younger twin, peeking around his shoulder before grinning at Riku. 

“Riku! I came over with my laptop so we could raid before tonight!” Sora emphasized what he said by patting the bag on his back. Riku and Xion looked at each other for a moment before laughing. She smiled at him, and pulled him into a small hug that he returned. “Would you be okay with me talking to you again, later? Especially about that.” She winked at him, gesturing to the tool that he had slipped back into his pocket. He gave her a small nod and watched as she ran down the steps to fall into step by Roxas side. Sora walked up to him, a puzzled look on his face. He shook his head at the smaller man, standing up to open the door for them both.

He would tell Sora later, when he was ready after all.


End file.
